It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
