did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize