I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
