You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
