she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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