I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
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