and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
