At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
