Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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