I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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