This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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