my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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