You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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