If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
