My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
