Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
