in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
