he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
