I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
