I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
