Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
