I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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