So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
