I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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