my phone needs a breathalizer
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
