he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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