the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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