Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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