sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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