you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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