He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
