i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Sorry my hands just texted you
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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