We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i love accidental penises.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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