you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
