if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
