if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
