Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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