Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
