Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
