you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
