I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
