I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
you never un-have a 4some
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
