My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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