the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
