Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
