The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
