I'm so fucking centered right now
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize