i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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