Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
