I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
