i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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