I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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