Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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