You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
