the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The beer is more important than you right now.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
