I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
