he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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