who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
