I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
