david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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