when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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